So a few days ago I was staring 30 in the eyes and 6 days later I'm still alive. Certain things are easier to contemplate than to carry out. Few things are certain in life, but one thing is for sure my lifes' purpose is still not full fulled... or is it?
I look back today after a comment my sister made today..about driving safely, especially after a late night. I was quick to answer with my 'clean' record as far as official accidents are concerned and pointed out her the accidents she's made. Immediately I felt the need to withdraw those self righteous statements, with my inflated ego of the past coming to the surface. The least I could do was to knock on, the clichéd, wood. (not something I do as a rule). I think back at countless nights when I drove home after an alcohol fueled evening and it is once again clear to me that it's not by my power or ability that I made it back in one piece. More importantly whatever protected me also protected those around me from harm by me driving in that state.
I can honestly say I probably drove in worst states than most people have ever driven and I've probably been in that state more than a lot if not most people in the past. I usually reached that state, cause no amount of alcohol really seemed numb my mind enough to the point where I could enjoy an evening of emptiness and general conversation. My mind have always been thinking and focusing on 'serious' things... Observing people and the world from a young age, struggling to understand things like groups in schools with leaders and a lot of people just blindly following - sacrificing their free will for what the leader says. People standing around supporting bullies, just not to be picked on, etc. I have been on both sides, but realized my observing and supporting and reflected upon it at least afterwards - I wonder how many of the bystanders reflected on it, as I still come across similar situations in my adult life. An adult, after a night out - making a conscious choice to eat cold food at a 24 hour shop instead of heating it up, even after mumbling to himself that he wanted something warm to eat, only because the 'leader' of the group is in control of what time they leave the shop. So I intervened, tried convincing him to heat it up, and after he declined (even though I could clearly see he wasn't happy with eating it cold) I offered him half of mine - which I heated up, and as expected the 'leader' interrupted my gesture and tried to intimidate me with his size & attitude. After trying for a couple of times I left, peacefully and wished them a good night.
The way I look at the world today and the constant burning feeling inside...a feeling that tells me I'm here for something more, is still there. The hope of finding that purpose is about the only thing that justifies sticking around for a new day. The idea of living an average life, getting married, raising children and acquiring materialistic possessions while drinking beer on weekends to numb myself to dreams that never came true isn't all that appealing. In fact it's the opposite to me and I can't justify living a selfish life where my ego motivates me to drive better cars and buy new things all the time, while using my free time being brain washed by the media, popular music, Facebook status updates and being glued to my cellphone seems like life in prison. We think we are free living that life... I don't. Unfortunately once I stepped out of that door the path leaded to many things and people with the same mindset who are on the road to mindfulness or even possible enlightenment. There's no turning back, unless a life of alcohol, nicotine, caffeine and very possibly prescription drugs like mood stabilizers, anti-depressants,etc.. Yes there are pills for everything and once you wake up and realize you're in prison and society isn't all it's set out to be, free will are an illusion and people have become slaves to the latest gadgets, and shopping experience - spending their hard earned money in shopping malls & online on the latest 'sale' or marketing strategy which uses your basic human desires and emotions against you. That's free will within a slave system, and I want as little a part of it as possible.
Walking past people begging for money and food and watching fortunate people - driving expensive cars and many others who have built comfort lives for themselves and their direct families, not even acknowledging these people as equals. People are quick to build bigger houses with more security measures in place to protect the things they've accumulated for themselves. The people who are hungry look at this in disbelief and many look upon this with hatred. The illusion of money and social status have become a big illness, but we stay to busy to take a few minutes every day and look around and observe what's going on. The history of our country doesn't afford us this luxury, especially not for white people anymore. With the recent passing of a well respected man who dedicated his life to the struggle of such a basic thing like freedom & equal rights amongst all people.
Our new country has a father who taught us well and gave us the insight of how things could be, we now have a responsibility to be that change and stop living a selfish life and look after only those close to you. Look after the earth, each other and share the excess. This is somehow difficult for us to do. How is this possible, do we not see what's going on, are we really so caught up in our own lifes. Pop songs telling our daughters how to dance and along with Hollywood and it's puppets - they teach us even how to dress. We've made IDOL of human beings and sit glued to our televisions while shows with words like 'superstar' or 'idol' entertain us for hours each week. Some people even spend a lot of money voting for the next one, while they judges destroy and talk down to many with potential that doesn't have that 'thing'. It's called entertainment and we embrace this thing the older generations warned us of as being as possible 'evil' - we laughed this off. In the process we've become captives and are influenced with this device and what advertisements million dollar marketing companies created. Unhealthy food are presented to us in such deceiving ways that we can't help but want it. Most of these foods are so unhealthy it's actually been proven to contribute to cancer, among countless other illnesses. Foods containing Sweeteners created by the same company that created agent orange for Vietnam. Seeds being privatized and pesticide defense systems are build into them which kills insects who decided to chew on a few seeds automatically.
I feel the desire to be part of the change and not part of the problem and I wish to find out how. To live with purpose and passion - living a life like that would need no more alcohol or drugs (yes this includes perscription & legal drugs like Nicotine & caffeine, etc) Living in truth and being mindful. I've come close to seeing the true path and some patterns have emerged in recent months, but to follow it without getting sucked back into society - the illusion of money & power and for greed and the ego to take control again, takes a lot of courage. It would be great to help that growth of my generation & our children. To help in creating the next generation whos' eyes are wide open, who has a head start after we prepared them for this world - prepared them better than our olders were able to prepare us - by using the information available to us at this time to our advantage.
Hoping for that path to open up before me soon... the one that would help change things.
Sunday, 8 December 2013
Monday, 28 October 2013
As 30 approaches...
....it becomes clearer that some decision will need to be made.
Not making a decision based on fears of what other people might think is not serving me well, on the contrary. Quoting a good man for a few moments now: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" - Nelson Mandela - Inaugural speech, 1994.
While reading these words many thoughts trigger inside of me... examples of me seeing and vivid examples of where I could see this advice fitting into recent things I've experienced or have been involved in. All that other people see are the actions that you take and no one takes you serious if all your action is in your mouth, but it never amounts to any action. This is what I've been doing most my life...even one direct and potentially direct ex-girlfriend told me I just talk, but never do any of the many things I mention. The Buddha did the exact opposite and only spoke of the things which he was actually doing and as a result knew about.
Along with talent hopefully one day develops skill and with these wonderful things lies a sense of responsibility and ideally a little wisdom. We find ourselves living out of fear within the confinements or prison systems if you may. It's spoken about openly in certain circles. You are stronger in numbers and more motivated in a like minded community. Compared to if you had to be surrounded and talk to people with completely opposite mindsets who prefer to talk about simple things to occupy their times and provide shelter to them within these materialistic or groups they have created. These will include driving a luxury car, big luxurious house and expensive brand named clothing and weekend sports of course. During these sport watching periods people consume large amounts of alcohol because they are enjoying it so much? And smoke countless cigarettes while they are relaxing? It seems more like they are trying to escape so much from the realities and are afraid to switch off these distractions and sit and observe or think about their lives, the world and everything else. So they wear clothes of their favourite sports teams and dress their children in this before they even have a say in the matter, adopting them into this social system without their consent. Branding them a supporter of a certain team while the parents tell the Television how the players are supposed to play or make these comments between themselves. During the times when these 'comforts' are being enjoyed there are people lying outside in the rain on the streets who is hungry. Big steaks and even complete body parts of animals are being prepared while bottles of alcohol is being consumed.
There is no thought about anything else during these times. I'm not comfortable with this life style for a while now and want to rebel against it with all that's inside. I don't think I can find happiness in that existence and would consume alcohol only to numb my senses and keep me enslaved in this system, this prison system. While the CEO makes ridiculous amounts of money the slaves on ground level do all the hard work and are treated like numbers. People complain everyday when a Monday starts approaching, cause they are unhappy but numb themselves by chasing more money and finding temporary pleasure in the purchase of things. Rewarding themselves when buying anything with a "xx% off" sign, as if it wasn't a marketing technique to encourage the purchase. The art have become so advance that you can earn various degrees in it studying in books with titles like: Marketing, the art of selling people things they don't need. And even when studying in that line we still fall victim to the same traps cause everything was set up so well we almost don't have a choice anymore... Unless..unless we start to stand still and look around us a little. When we start observing we realize what is actually going on and it's pretty scary. So we tend to shut off and stay within our comfort zones as this thing called fear have taken control of our decisions & lives. We have to consume high amounts of alcohol and keep ourselves calms with things like cigarettes & caffeine to wake us up in the morning, which are both nothing else than legal drugs. Society is then meant to believe the other drugs are all bad because it's illegal according to law. In some countries these laws differ and the same goes for religion, but most people just accept it and go with the flow.
The same applied with the public schooling system and old fashioned ways of raising children. Free will are only now starting to be encouraged with things like home schooling is being brought back by some 'alternative families'. These 'alternative families' believe commonly in things like food in it's natural forms and that the 'schooling system' as we know it corrupts our childrens' minds and helps to prepare them for a life of enslavery. It's not an easy path to walk on, so the intelligent ones try to stick to other families who are doing the same thing to allow the children to make friends and share time with like minded people. These children might not be perfect, but no one is. The way they are raised will encourage many things though and possible have more benefits in the long run than negatives. Meeting someone recently who was raised with an more 'alternative' approach showed great insight and a unique way of thinking that only a small percentage of people have developed. It's like you're actually passing on what you've learned and life experience helps you in that as-well. Which is why I was encouraged by some to travel as many are. My father had these dreams as-well for his children, so they would gain some valuable experience. He didn't have similar opportunities in his life, but tried his best to provide for his family and their future - regardless of the fact that he passed away as a result of a heart attack in his bed.
Being aware of more and more things also makes everything slightly more complicated, as they say..ignorance is indeed bliss. Once that innocence is taken away or the knowledge / wisdom is gained through experience you see things a little differently every time. And it is through these experiences and being uncomfortable that we grow into someone a little wiser than before. Unfortunately walking this road comes with a price. Often times you experience feelings of fear first and foremost then things like confusion, overwhelm, depression, hate, anxiety, etc. Some pleasure can be bought and sought it status items which enlarges the ego and in return clouds the mind and keeps us in the loop.
I find myself never really wanting to celebrate birthdays as a result of feeling guilty for not living to my full potential, not even feeling like I'm trying. I broke away from work for a while and some people view it as a bold move in letting go of the comfort zones and many applaud it, but it feels like such a small feat compared to what can & should be done. Compared to people who made an impact in the world, Lincoln, Marley, Lee, Mandela & King. There are many examples of people who truly did things and some died very young, while still accomplishing more than most in 3 times the years they had. We look at saints in history like Jesus, Buddha, Ghandi, etc and respect and 'follow' them, but few of us actually live those principles out to it's full extent. Our jobs demand us to do other things and the social ladder requires the same. We sacrifice human kindness for money and greed, our ego runs away with us like a train with no brakes. It takes us for a ride and when it loses a little steam and slows down we are old and grey and wasted our lives away.
The realities and societies demands start to apply more pressure as every minute goes past, taking me closer to 30. That daunting mark for someone in their 20's which tells them they are getting old. I start thinking along the cliched 'bucket list' and actually Google a few and read comments of people being so desperate to do something that they actually follow these lists number for number as they were written. At least they are getting some things done which they never would, but I'd love to write down a few things which lies close to my heart.
1.) Do a multi-day horse trek... in the planning
2.) Fly. The goal was initially start kite surfing to upgrade to Paragliding and one day skydiving, but none of them happened. So for now I'll book a Paragliding tandem jump so long.
3.) Walk. Short term dream is the Camino de Santiago. a Winter walk might be the only option I have, but strongly considering it to avoid bailing out due to pressures of work calls me again.
4.) Swim nude at a nude beach, while there's other people around. Done.
5.) Breath. Living in the moment is something I experience in brief moments only and after attending a 10 day silent mediation course this year I started looking at this with new eager. I will continue a meditation technique as part of my crossing over into 30's as a lifestyle change.
6.) Embrace my sensitivity. After a life of negative feelings towards my apparent sensitive nature my path lead me to doors which showed me it's a blessing rather than a curse along with my undiagnosed ADHD self diagnoses. And many really successful people walked on roads which led to great successes with the same 'conditions' and backgrounds.
A thought comes to mind of a blond girl with a hoola hoop dancing past me at a recent festival I attended and a friends comment of the girl liking me and doing a special dance for me. I didn't take that serious and rarely notice a similar situation or social que if a girl maybe points something like that out to me. And it made me thought of how life can really be. It can be a hoola hoop girl dancing past you with her dread locks and various beads and 'alternative clothing' which are becoming more appealing to me than the general materialistic kind who seem to chase the next special at the next weekend mall outing where most of their budgets are spent on clothes, make up and things they don't really need. Or like the dread locked girl at Africa Burn whom I met the evening before briefly. The next day while we were busy packing up I notice she was actually camping next to me and she makes eye contact.... walking into a more neutral area away from her campsite crossing my direction I decide in the moment to walk after her.... and it's like a symphony or a stage play taking place and i'm one of the actors in it. In that moment the rest of the world blurred out a little. It became about her and our moment together. This is how a meeting with a firedancer or hoola girl could be.. just playing around with your favourite toy. Expressing yourself with your art form like a dance. Doing something you love you come across someone with a like minded passion and you two can dance the night away trying to catch another persons eye, hopefully. And make a new friend or maybe catch a boy or a girl. The dance can be like the mating rituals of wild animals or like a beautiful bird trying to get the attention of their potential mate, you strut your stuff with your flames in the night or your colorful clothes and illuminated hoola hoop. Expressing yourselve completely.
For now I will concentrate on getting a hour or two in on a horse before the 4 day horse trek, which will involve 6+ hours on horseback over some potentially narrow mountain paths with steep drops next to it. And the possibility of just doing it and going to a permaculture festival, which has become a strong point of interest but unlike me just to go somewhere in SA so far away for a weekend...the path which led me to it seems like one where I notice the dots connecting and how it all led to this invite of a friend to come check it out. It seems once you start to be more open to live & change the path takes you were you need to go sometime, but you must be open to take the needed steps.
Step one, buy a bus ticket to Bloemfontein, on route to Lesotho.
Not making a decision based on fears of what other people might think is not serving me well, on the contrary. Quoting a good man for a few moments now: "Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We were born to make manifest the Glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others" - Nelson Mandela - Inaugural speech, 1994.
While reading these words many thoughts trigger inside of me... examples of me seeing and vivid examples of where I could see this advice fitting into recent things I've experienced or have been involved in. All that other people see are the actions that you take and no one takes you serious if all your action is in your mouth, but it never amounts to any action. This is what I've been doing most my life...even one direct and potentially direct ex-girlfriend told me I just talk, but never do any of the many things I mention. The Buddha did the exact opposite and only spoke of the things which he was actually doing and as a result knew about.
Along with talent hopefully one day develops skill and with these wonderful things lies a sense of responsibility and ideally a little wisdom. We find ourselves living out of fear within the confinements or prison systems if you may. It's spoken about openly in certain circles. You are stronger in numbers and more motivated in a like minded community. Compared to if you had to be surrounded and talk to people with completely opposite mindsets who prefer to talk about simple things to occupy their times and provide shelter to them within these materialistic or groups they have created. These will include driving a luxury car, big luxurious house and expensive brand named clothing and weekend sports of course. During these sport watching periods people consume large amounts of alcohol because they are enjoying it so much? And smoke countless cigarettes while they are relaxing? It seems more like they are trying to escape so much from the realities and are afraid to switch off these distractions and sit and observe or think about their lives, the world and everything else. So they wear clothes of their favourite sports teams and dress their children in this before they even have a say in the matter, adopting them into this social system without their consent. Branding them a supporter of a certain team while the parents tell the Television how the players are supposed to play or make these comments between themselves. During the times when these 'comforts' are being enjoyed there are people lying outside in the rain on the streets who is hungry. Big steaks and even complete body parts of animals are being prepared while bottles of alcohol is being consumed.
There is no thought about anything else during these times. I'm not comfortable with this life style for a while now and want to rebel against it with all that's inside. I don't think I can find happiness in that existence and would consume alcohol only to numb my senses and keep me enslaved in this system, this prison system. While the CEO makes ridiculous amounts of money the slaves on ground level do all the hard work and are treated like numbers. People complain everyday when a Monday starts approaching, cause they are unhappy but numb themselves by chasing more money and finding temporary pleasure in the purchase of things. Rewarding themselves when buying anything with a "xx% off" sign, as if it wasn't a marketing technique to encourage the purchase. The art have become so advance that you can earn various degrees in it studying in books with titles like: Marketing, the art of selling people things they don't need. And even when studying in that line we still fall victim to the same traps cause everything was set up so well we almost don't have a choice anymore... Unless..unless we start to stand still and look around us a little. When we start observing we realize what is actually going on and it's pretty scary. So we tend to shut off and stay within our comfort zones as this thing called fear have taken control of our decisions & lives. We have to consume high amounts of alcohol and keep ourselves calms with things like cigarettes & caffeine to wake us up in the morning, which are both nothing else than legal drugs. Society is then meant to believe the other drugs are all bad because it's illegal according to law. In some countries these laws differ and the same goes for religion, but most people just accept it and go with the flow.
The same applied with the public schooling system and old fashioned ways of raising children. Free will are only now starting to be encouraged with things like home schooling is being brought back by some 'alternative families'. These 'alternative families' believe commonly in things like food in it's natural forms and that the 'schooling system' as we know it corrupts our childrens' minds and helps to prepare them for a life of enslavery. It's not an easy path to walk on, so the intelligent ones try to stick to other families who are doing the same thing to allow the children to make friends and share time with like minded people. These children might not be perfect, but no one is. The way they are raised will encourage many things though and possible have more benefits in the long run than negatives. Meeting someone recently who was raised with an more 'alternative' approach showed great insight and a unique way of thinking that only a small percentage of people have developed. It's like you're actually passing on what you've learned and life experience helps you in that as-well. Which is why I was encouraged by some to travel as many are. My father had these dreams as-well for his children, so they would gain some valuable experience. He didn't have similar opportunities in his life, but tried his best to provide for his family and their future - regardless of the fact that he passed away as a result of a heart attack in his bed.
Being aware of more and more things also makes everything slightly more complicated, as they say..ignorance is indeed bliss. Once that innocence is taken away or the knowledge / wisdom is gained through experience you see things a little differently every time. And it is through these experiences and being uncomfortable that we grow into someone a little wiser than before. Unfortunately walking this road comes with a price. Often times you experience feelings of fear first and foremost then things like confusion, overwhelm, depression, hate, anxiety, etc. Some pleasure can be bought and sought it status items which enlarges the ego and in return clouds the mind and keeps us in the loop.
I find myself never really wanting to celebrate birthdays as a result of feeling guilty for not living to my full potential, not even feeling like I'm trying. I broke away from work for a while and some people view it as a bold move in letting go of the comfort zones and many applaud it, but it feels like such a small feat compared to what can & should be done. Compared to people who made an impact in the world, Lincoln, Marley, Lee, Mandela & King. There are many examples of people who truly did things and some died very young, while still accomplishing more than most in 3 times the years they had. We look at saints in history like Jesus, Buddha, Ghandi, etc and respect and 'follow' them, but few of us actually live those principles out to it's full extent. Our jobs demand us to do other things and the social ladder requires the same. We sacrifice human kindness for money and greed, our ego runs away with us like a train with no brakes. It takes us for a ride and when it loses a little steam and slows down we are old and grey and wasted our lives away.
The realities and societies demands start to apply more pressure as every minute goes past, taking me closer to 30. That daunting mark for someone in their 20's which tells them they are getting old. I start thinking along the cliched 'bucket list' and actually Google a few and read comments of people being so desperate to do something that they actually follow these lists number for number as they were written. At least they are getting some things done which they never would, but I'd love to write down a few things which lies close to my heart.
1.) Do a multi-day horse trek... in the planning
2.) Fly. The goal was initially start kite surfing to upgrade to Paragliding and one day skydiving, but none of them happened. So for now I'll book a Paragliding tandem jump so long.
3.) Walk. Short term dream is the Camino de Santiago. a Winter walk might be the only option I have, but strongly considering it to avoid bailing out due to pressures of work calls me again.
4.) Swim nude at a nude beach, while there's other people around. Done.
5.) Breath. Living in the moment is something I experience in brief moments only and after attending a 10 day silent mediation course this year I started looking at this with new eager. I will continue a meditation technique as part of my crossing over into 30's as a lifestyle change.
6.) Embrace my sensitivity. After a life of negative feelings towards my apparent sensitive nature my path lead me to doors which showed me it's a blessing rather than a curse along with my undiagnosed ADHD self diagnoses. And many really successful people walked on roads which led to great successes with the same 'conditions' and backgrounds.
A thought comes to mind of a blond girl with a hoola hoop dancing past me at a recent festival I attended and a friends comment of the girl liking me and doing a special dance for me. I didn't take that serious and rarely notice a similar situation or social que if a girl maybe points something like that out to me. And it made me thought of how life can really be. It can be a hoola hoop girl dancing past you with her dread locks and various beads and 'alternative clothing' which are becoming more appealing to me than the general materialistic kind who seem to chase the next special at the next weekend mall outing where most of their budgets are spent on clothes, make up and things they don't really need. Or like the dread locked girl at Africa Burn whom I met the evening before briefly. The next day while we were busy packing up I notice she was actually camping next to me and she makes eye contact.... walking into a more neutral area away from her campsite crossing my direction I decide in the moment to walk after her.... and it's like a symphony or a stage play taking place and i'm one of the actors in it. In that moment the rest of the world blurred out a little. It became about her and our moment together. This is how a meeting with a firedancer or hoola girl could be.. just playing around with your favourite toy. Expressing yourself with your art form like a dance. Doing something you love you come across someone with a like minded passion and you two can dance the night away trying to catch another persons eye, hopefully. And make a new friend or maybe catch a boy or a girl. The dance can be like the mating rituals of wild animals or like a beautiful bird trying to get the attention of their potential mate, you strut your stuff with your flames in the night or your colorful clothes and illuminated hoola hoop. Expressing yourselve completely.
For now I will concentrate on getting a hour or two in on a horse before the 4 day horse trek, which will involve 6+ hours on horseback over some potentially narrow mountain paths with steep drops next to it. And the possibility of just doing it and going to a permaculture festival, which has become a strong point of interest but unlike me just to go somewhere in SA so far away for a weekend...the path which led me to it seems like one where I notice the dots connecting and how it all led to this invite of a friend to come check it out. It seems once you start to be more open to live & change the path takes you were you need to go sometime, but you must be open to take the needed steps.
Step one, buy a bus ticket to Bloemfontein, on route to Lesotho.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)