So a few days ago I was staring 30 in the eyes and 6 days later I'm still alive. Certain things are easier to contemplate than to carry out. Few things are certain in life, but one thing is for sure my lifes' purpose is still not full fulled... or is it?
I look back today after a comment my sister made today..about driving safely, especially after a late night. I was quick to answer with my 'clean' record as far as official accidents are concerned and pointed out her the accidents she's made. Immediately I felt the need to withdraw those self righteous statements, with my inflated ego of the past coming to the surface. The least I could do was to knock on, the clichéd, wood. (not something I do as a rule). I think back at countless nights when I drove home after an alcohol fueled evening and it is once again clear to me that it's not by my power or ability that I made it back in one piece. More importantly whatever protected me also protected those around me from harm by me driving in that state.
I can honestly say I probably drove in worst states than most people have ever driven and I've probably been in that state more than a lot if not most people in the past. I usually reached that state, cause no amount of alcohol really seemed numb my mind enough to the point where I could enjoy an evening of emptiness and general conversation. My mind have always been thinking and focusing on 'serious' things... Observing people and the world from a young age, struggling to understand things like groups in schools with leaders and a lot of people just blindly following - sacrificing their free will for what the leader says. People standing around supporting bullies, just not to be picked on, etc. I have been on both sides, but realized my observing and supporting and reflected upon it at least afterwards - I wonder how many of the bystanders reflected on it, as I still come across similar situations in my adult life. An adult, after a night out - making a conscious choice to eat cold food at a 24 hour shop instead of heating it up, even after mumbling to himself that he wanted something warm to eat, only because the 'leader' of the group is in control of what time they leave the shop. So I intervened, tried convincing him to heat it up, and after he declined (even though I could clearly see he wasn't happy with eating it cold) I offered him half of mine - which I heated up, and as expected the 'leader' interrupted my gesture and tried to intimidate me with his size & attitude. After trying for a couple of times I left, peacefully and wished them a good night.
The way I look at the world today and the constant burning feeling inside...a feeling that tells me I'm here for something more, is still there. The hope of finding that purpose is about the only thing that justifies sticking around for a new day. The idea of living an average life, getting married, raising children and acquiring materialistic possessions while drinking beer on weekends to numb myself to dreams that never came true isn't all that appealing. In fact it's the opposite to me and I can't justify living a selfish life where my ego motivates me to drive better cars and buy new things all the time, while using my free time being brain washed by the media, popular music, Facebook status updates and being glued to my cellphone seems like life in prison. We think we are free living that life... I don't. Unfortunately once I stepped out of that door the path leaded to many things and people with the same mindset who are on the road to mindfulness or even possible enlightenment. There's no turning back, unless a life of alcohol, nicotine, caffeine and very possibly prescription drugs like mood stabilizers, anti-depressants,etc.. Yes there are pills for everything and once you wake up and realize you're in prison and society isn't all it's set out to be, free will are an illusion and people have become slaves to the latest gadgets, and shopping experience - spending their hard earned money in shopping malls & online on the latest 'sale' or marketing strategy which uses your basic human desires and emotions against you. That's free will within a slave system, and I want as little a part of it as possible.
Walking past people begging for money and food and watching fortunate people - driving expensive cars and many others who have built comfort lives for themselves and their direct families, not even acknowledging these people as equals. People are quick to build bigger houses with more security measures in place to protect the things they've accumulated for themselves. The people who are hungry look at this in disbelief and many look upon this with hatred. The illusion of money and social status have become a big illness, but we stay to busy to take a few minutes every day and look around and observe what's going on. The history of our country doesn't afford us this luxury, especially not for white people anymore. With the recent passing of a well respected man who dedicated his life to the struggle of such a basic thing like freedom & equal rights amongst all people.
Our new country has a father who taught us well and gave us the insight of how things could be, we now have a responsibility to be that change and stop living a selfish life and look after only those close to you. Look after the earth, each other and share the excess. This is somehow difficult for us to do. How is this possible, do we not see what's going on, are we really so caught up in our own lifes. Pop songs telling our daughters how to dance and along with Hollywood and it's puppets - they teach us even how to dress. We've made IDOL of human beings and sit glued to our televisions while shows with words like 'superstar' or 'idol' entertain us for hours each week. Some people even spend a lot of money voting for the next one, while they judges destroy and talk down to many with potential that doesn't have that 'thing'. It's called entertainment and we embrace this thing the older generations warned us of as being as possible 'evil' - we laughed this off. In the process we've become captives and are influenced with this device and what advertisements million dollar marketing companies created. Unhealthy food are presented to us in such deceiving ways that we can't help but want it. Most of these foods are so unhealthy it's actually been proven to contribute to cancer, among countless other illnesses. Foods containing Sweeteners created by the same company that created agent orange for Vietnam. Seeds being privatized and pesticide defense systems are build into them which kills insects who decided to chew on a few seeds automatically.
I feel the desire to be part of the change and not part of the problem and I wish to find out how. To live with purpose and passion - living a life like that would need no more alcohol or drugs (yes this includes perscription & legal drugs like Nicotine & caffeine, etc) Living in truth and being mindful. I've come close to seeing the true path and some patterns have emerged in recent months, but to follow it without getting sucked back into society - the illusion of money & power and for greed and the ego to take control again, takes a lot of courage. It would be great to help that growth of my generation & our children. To help in creating the next generation whos' eyes are wide open, who has a head start after we prepared them for this world - prepared them better than our olders were able to prepare us - by using the information available to us at this time to our advantage.
Hoping for that path to open up before me soon... the one that would help change things.
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